In the wake of scandal at every level of govenment, the Yo-Yo Dow Jones Industrial Average, and the continued fall of the Brazilian Real, the single greatest problem of the United States lies just to the north of her borders. I speak, of course, of Canada.
The Canadian government has quietly been supporting economic and environmental terrorism against the U.S. Permit me to explain before you write me off as yet another crackpot.
Economic Terrorism I: It is no coincodence that Canadian coins are the same size and color as their U.S. counterparts. The Canadian Dollar (coincodence?) is currently worth approximately 64 cents American. Candian citizens cross our borders and use their undervalued currency in our vending machines and gas stations to purchase everything from washer time to Coca Cola (TM). Therefore, they pay the equivalent of $0.32 (50 cents * 64%) for a can of soda, or $1.12 for a load of laundry which you and I are expected to pay $1.75. As a further insult, we are unable to deposit these coins in our local bank. This ensures that this crappy currency can never leave the U.S. unless we take it back to Canada and shove it up Mr. Chretien's *ss personally! Gas stations and laundromats regularly raise their prices to offset their Canadian currency losses and, of course, pass off this funny money to the unsuspecting consumer.
Econmoic Terrorism II: Why is it that Canada, our largest trading partner continues to gouge the American tourist? I speak, of course, of the outrageous prices charged near Canadian tourist traps for Cuban cigars. How can one justify charging $40US for a single cigar that costs Castro 50 cents to produce? The answer: They want those US Dollars! They take the US currency American tourists leave behind and buy Croissants from the French! In this way, they can keep a hefty supply of Candian money to continue to flood the American marketplace.
Environmental Terrorrism: Canadian Geese! These filthy animals
seem to enjoy cr*pping on Hondas. And
we can't run them over or shoot them! Somehow these things have received
protected status from the U.S. Department
of Fish and Wildlife. This was probably part of NAFTA
- which is basically an agreement between the U.S. and Canada to keep our
Northern neighbors from minting Susan B. Anthony lookalikes and thus paralyzing
the U.S. Postal Service! Of course, what
the White House Press Office didn't
tell you about about this alleged "Trade Agreement" is the terrible price
paid by those postal workers who have slipped in goose turds in my apartment
complex parking lot!